


I'll Search the Universe

by fourtimesaroundthesun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Romance, idolverse, inspired by dotae's COUPLE RINGS, reference to SHINee's Jonghyun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:33:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28309791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourtimesaroundthesun/pseuds/fourtimesaroundthesun
Summary: Taeyong and Doyoung orbit around each other through the years.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 14
Kudos: 62





	I'll Search the Universe

**Author's Note:**

> Title inspired by "Universe" by EXO. [mv](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leu-cTvMWTA) | [lyrics](https://genius.com/Genius-english-translations-exo-universe-english-translation-lyrics)
> 
> I actually came up with this headcanon when Universe was first released (in 2017). Recently, I found out that Taeyong and Doyoung had _actual_ couple rings together, and to commemorate that I dusted off this headcanon and fleshed it out. This was written over the course of a couple of hours (instead of studying), so I may embellish it in the future, but I wanted to get it out for the time being. Not beta'd, all mistakes are my own.
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

They flew into Bangkok late, they have a fanmeeting tomorrow, and Doyoung should seriously be sleeping right now—except he’s _seething_ with rage. I _hate_ Taeyong, Doyoung thinks to himself. A sly voice in his head asks if he actually means love, but Doyoung conveniently ignores it. 

It had started out harmless enough, in the usual way—the two of them trading jabs that they were only half-serious about in their shared hotel room—but as exhaustion insidiously wrapped its tendrils around them, they began misunderstanding and misinterpreting each other’s comments. Soon enough, their petty argument had escalated to an actual fight. Doyoung thinks bitterly about how it’s the people closest to you who are able to hurt you the most. So much for Taeyong telling the fans that Doyoung is like glass and should be handled delicately. Taeyong didn’t seem to have any problem today hitting Doyoung where Taeyong knew it would hurt the most—screaming at Doyoung that he’s insufferable, really, no one can actually stand him. 

Doyoung had stormed out of their hotel room into the lobby after that.

It’s in the lobby that Taeyong finds him. Doyoung is mindlessly scrolling through his phone, trying to calm down and entertaining the thought of only returning to their room when he’s certain that Taeyong is asleep, when he notices some fluffy white slippers in his peripheral vision. He looks up and is faced with Taeyong.

If Doyoung were being magnanimous—which he is _not_ —Taeyong looks apologetic and wracked with guilt. Taeyong’s eyes are pleading and glossy, seemingly begging for forgiveness, and he’s worrying his bottom lip with his teeth, seemingly struggling to find the right words to say. 

“Save it,” Doyoung hears himself say harshly. Taeyong looks pitiful, like a kicked puppy, and oh, Taeyong makes Doyoung so _weak_. Doyoung helplessly tries to hold on to his self-righteous anger, but the truth is, despite the walls he tries to build in his heart, he’s always had a hard time saying no to Taeyong. He never wants to be the reason why Taeyong is upset. 

“Fine,” Doyoung sighs exasperatedly. “What is it?”

Taeyong brightens, and tentatively proposes, “Come back to our room and let’s talk?”

Doyoung begrudgingly agrees, and the walk back to their room is silent, the tension thick between them.

When they return to their room, Doyoung sits in the desk chair while Taeyong perches on the edge of his bed, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “I’m sorry, Doyoung-ie,” Taeyong apologizes softly.

“Don’t call me that,” Doyoung says, and it should be cruel, except he says it desperately, clinging to his last shred of self-respect. Doyoung won’t fold so easily, not this time.

“Okay,” Taeyong says sadly. “I won’t call you that. I really am sorry, Doyoung. I got caught up in the moment and wasn’t thinking about what I was saying. I was frustrated and just wanted to say something that I knew would _hurt_. But you must know that I didn’t really mean it. I would normally never say such a thing to you. I know how sensitive you are about whether people really like you, and I never should have used that against you. When I came back to my senses, I felt so much regret. I never want to be the reason why you’re upset,” Taeyong hiccups, and tears start rolling down his face. 

Doyoung sighs, the last of his resolve dissipating. Figures Taeyong would look beautiful even when he’s crying. Doyoung stands and holds Taeyong, soothingly carding his fingers through Taeyong’s hair. “Shhh,” Doyoung lulls, “it’s okay. I forgive you. It’s okay.”

“I never want to be the reason why you’re upset,” Taeyong continues, voice muffled by Doyoung’s shirt, “because I love you. I can’t bear the thought of losing you.”

Doyoung stiffens and his eyes widen in surprise. Taeyong loves him? Does Taeyong know that Doyoung loves him? Is this a joke? Does he just mean as a friend? While Doyoung’s thoughts are racing in his head, Taeyong must feel Doyoung stiffening, because Taeyong immediately lurches back, excuses ready on his lips. “Shit, Doyoung. Forget I said that. I didn’t really mean it.”

Doyoung isn’t sure where the recklessness comes from—it’s quite out of character—but he gently cradles Taeyong’s face in his hands, tilting Taeyong’s chin up so they’re looking eye to eye. “Don’t take it back,” he requests sweetly, “because I love you too.” 

Now it’s Taeyong’s turn to widen his eyes in surprise. “Really?” Taeyong asks, in awe.

“Really,” Doyoung grins. 

Doyoung must really be out of his mind, drunk on emotions, because before he can register what he is doing, he is slowly bringing his face ever closer to Taeyong’s, giving Taeyong ample opportunity to back away if he wants. Taeyong stays still. Their lips brush softly, like the flapping of a butterfly’s wings. 

“Is this okay?” Doyoung whispers. Taeyong nods wordlessly. Doyoung dives in for another kiss, deeper this time. Taeyong’s lips are slightly chapped and taste like cherry lip balm. The feeling is _indescribable_. Doyoung feels the tension in his chest unfurl like the blossoming of a flower, and he’s never felt so content. Doyoung feels like he’s exactly where he’s supposed to be. 

Taeyong’s tongue tentatively darts between Doyoung’s lips, and Doyoung opens his mouth. Their tongues intertwine, first tenderly, then more passionately. Eventually they separate, trying to catch their breath.

“This is fine,” Doyoung tries to convince himself. “This is fine, because nobody has to know. We’re just doing this once to know what it feels like and get it out of our systems, right?” Taeyong nods animatedly. 

They spend the rest of the night shrouded in a delicate bubble, murmuring I love yous and this is fines until the early light as they explore each other’s bodies. Doyoung tries to memorize every detail, suffuses every action with intention, set on expressing to Taeyong how loved he is. Doyoung loves like a man dying, like a man who will never have another chance to be with his lover, because as far as Doyoung knows, he won't.

***

The sunlight filters softly through the curtains, seemingly loath to disrupt the peaceful atmosphere in the room. Doyoung awakens first, and admires Taeyong’s sleeping form. Taeyong is so _ethereal_ , Doyoung has always thought so, ever since he had first met Taeyong. Asleep, he looks younger and peaceful, not worrying about the reputation of their group or wincing in pain due to his back injury. Unbidden, images from last night come to Doyoung’s mind—leaving feather-light kisses all over Taeyong’s body, worshipping Taeyong’s body as it deserves, learning how Taeyong looks and sounds when he is overflowing with pleasure, their bodies melding into one.

Taeyong’s eyes open. “Hey,” Doyoung whispers.

Taeyong looks scared, and Doyoung _aches_. 

“Do you regret last night?” Taeyong asks, eyes downcast.

Echoing the previous night, Doyoung gently cradles Taeyong’s face in his hands, tilting Taeyong’s chin up so they’re looking eye to eye. “Never,” he says emphatically. “If you remember nothing else from this conversation, please remember that I’m not ashamed and I don’t regret anything. Not now, not ever. It’s so meaningful to me that we were able to share this moment together, that you were vulnerable with me, that I was able to express my love to you. I’ll cherish last night’s memories for the rest of my life. But for our careers—for all of NCT’s careers—we can’t let this continue. Maybe we can be together someday, but not right now.”

“I understand,” Taeyong replies miserably. “I love you, Dongyoung,” Taeyong’s voice cracks. “Can we kiss one last time?” Taeyong pleads.

“Of course, I love you too,” Doyoung responds. They share one last, devastating kiss, equal parts anguished and adoring.

They part, proceeding to prepare for the day. When they step out into the hallway, their manager is already outside and gives them a strange look.

Doyoung takes a deep breath. Time to embark on the _after_ of the rest of his life.

***

The fanmeeting is _hell_. Doyoung is acutely aware of Taeyong’s eyes following his every move, and he feels like he can’t breathe. Act normal, act normal, act normal, he reminds himself in a mantra. He hears himself praise Taeyong’s visuals and recount how he manipulates Taeyong into cooking for him. When Johnny picks Yuta and Taeil as the members he wants to travel with, Doyoung huffs in displeasure. When Taeyong takes pity and claims that he’ll pick Doyoung to travel with, Doyoung feels his heart break as he says “I’m sorry, I don’t want to,” and bows a full ninety degrees. He’d travel anywhere with Taeyong, for the rest of his life, if he could.

***

Doyoung had been deluding himself when he told Taeyong that they were just getting it out of their systems. Doyoung can’t forget that night, and the memories surface all the time. Doyoung slowly gets used to biting the inside of his mouth and feeling like his heart is constricted in his chest as he _wants_ and _wants_. It gets easier to pretend nothing happened, but it never hurts less. As tough as 2017 is on Doyoung, it’s tough on everyone. Jonghyun’s death slices through them like a knife. Though Doyoung never knew Jonghyun well personally, he always admired his sunbae. He is sensitive to the feelings of other members of the company and tries to provide support when he can.

It’s during this time that Doyoung hears EXO’s Universe for the first time. 

Doyoung’s always loved ballads, and this is an especially exquisite one. Doyoung replays the song again and again, memorizing the way the backing instrumentals swell as Jongdae sings the first chorus and poring over the lyrics. Doyoung listens and thinks of Taeyong.

_I’ll search the universe  
Until I can find you again  
I won’t let go, even the smallest memories  
Memories engraved in the seasons  
They come and go several times  
But I will still call out to you_

***

The years go by, and each of the members begin focusing on their solo activities. Taeyong debuts with SuperM, then as a rap soloist. Doyoung debuts as a balladeer and drama actor. They serve in the military. They have a tacit agreement to keep their distance for the sake of their careers, although they still text each other occasionally, usually to send each other well wishes for career milestones, birthdays, holidays, and the like. Sporadically, they’ll have a long call, usually when one of them is having a difficult day and is seeking out the comfort of the other. They see each other when the other NCT 127 members meet up, although they don’t meet privately—they tried once, and the atmosphere was suffocating with unsaid words and unexpressed feelings. And it’s _fine_ , Doyoung tells himself.

Except when it isn’t.

Doyoung is at an awards show, he doesn’t even remember which one—it’s all a whirlwind—when he realizes that he’s walking the red carpet at the same time as Taeyong. The reporters excitedly talk about how they started off their careers together in NCT, and Taeyong puts his arm around Doyoung’s shoulder for a photo op. It’s been years, but Taeyong’s touch still _burns_. A reporter shoves a microphone in his face. “What do you think of Taeyong after all these years, seeing his career advance?” Doyoung laughs in a way that sounds frenzied even to his ears, “Ah, our Taeyong is still so handsome! He’s a fantasy visual!”

***

Doyoung tracks Taeyong’s career, and he also gets intermittent updates from Taeyong himself, management, or other members. However, it comes as a surprise to him when he wakes up one day and sees on Naver that Taeyong is retiring to become a songwriter and producer.

His phone rings. Doyoung frowns. Who is calling him at this hour? He looks at his phone, and the caller ID is one of their managers, the one that had been with them all those years ago when they were in Bangkok. Doyoung picks up. “Hi manager-hyung, what’s going on?”

“Have you seen the news about Taeyong?” his manager asks.

“Yes, is it true?” Doyoung questions. “Nobody told me about this.”

“Yes, it’s true,” his manager replies. “Taeyong went back and forth about the decision and so he kept it quiet.”

“Listen,” his manager says suddenly. “I would give it a couple of months so that the general public forgets about Taeyong and he’s able to gain anonymity, but after that, given that only you will be in the public eye, we think it would be okay for you two to pursue a relationship. We’ve already discussed this with Taeyong.”

“What?” Doyoung is at a loss. What is his manager implying? What does his manager know?

“I was rooming next to you two that night in Bangkok,” the manager says, and Doyoung flushes. “The rooms were reasonably soundproof, but I, ah,” the manager says delicately, “was woken up by a sound in the middle of the night and had a general idea of what might have been going on.” Doyoung is mortified and hopes the ground will open up to swallow him whole. “Afterwards, you two probably weren’t as slick as you thought you were. Most people caught on that something had changed. Between the way your interactions always seemed to be filled with tension to the lovelorn glances you’d give each other, it wasn’t too hard to piece together what was going on. Anyway, I figured you two have sacrificed your personal happiness for the sake of everyone’s careers for long enough, don’t you think? The company is okay with it.” His manager breezily hangs up soon after, and Doyoung sits in shock. Part of him is still embarrassed that his _manager_ knows that he and Taeyong had _made love_ in _Bangkok_ , but a bigger part of him is excited about the prospect of reuniting with Taeyong. 

Doyoung picks his phone up again. He texts Taeyong, “Come over to my apartment? Let’s celebrate this new chapter of your life!”

Taeyong immediately replies. “Yes.”

***

Doyoung feels like a teenage girl preparing for her first date. He can’t seem to decide what outfit he should wear but settles on a crisp white button-up that just _happens_ to accentuate how broad his shoulders are and black slacks. He hears his doorbell ring, and opens the door. There on his doorstep is Taeyong. He’s wearing a simple tee and joggers, but he still looks _stunning_. He looks like everything Doyoung has ever wanted.

“Come in,” Doyoung motions. 

Taeyong giggles. Cute, Doyoung’s mind supplies helpfully. “Why are you so dressed up?” Taeyong asks. Doyoung shrugs. 

Once the door closes, Taeyong immediately pulls Doyoung into a kiss. The kiss is sweet, filled with longing and the promise of a future together. 

“Excited, are we?” Doyoung smirks devilishly. 

“Shut up,” Taeyong grumbles. 

“You didn’t tell me you were planning to retire,” Doyoung complains.

“I’m sorry,” Taeyong pouts. “Forgive me? Even up to the last minute I still hadn’t fully committed to my decision. But now that it’s done, I feel relieved, and I think it was the right choice.”

“Manager-hyung told you about what the company decided?” Taeyong asks. Doyoung nods. 

“Hey, I have a surprise for you,” Doyoung says, leading Taeyong to a couch. Taeyong follows docilely.

Doyoung opens up his phone, playing the backing track for EXO’s Universe. He sings to Taeyong, and Doyoung doesn’t think he’s ever poured so much of himself into a performance before. Doyoung can only hope Taeyong understands. When he finishes, Taeyong claps excitedly. “That was amazing!”

“The surprise isn’t over yet,” Doyoung says sternly. Doyoung gets down on one knee. “Taeyong-hyung,” he says. “I know it’s been years since I said it, but I still love you just as much, or even more, than I did all those years ago. I never stopped loving you. I’ve probably loved you longer than I realized. I love everything about you. I love your laugh, your smile. I love the way you always consider others before yourself, although I think it’s important for you to prioritize yourself too. I love the way you push all of us to be better. I love the childlike wonder that you look at the world. I love you when you’re all dolled up for an event; I love you when you’re just like this. I love you when you’re happy, when you’re angry, when you’re sad. I know we have some catching up to do, but,” Doyoung takes the Cartier ring box out of his pocket, “will you accept this proposal? Same-sex marriage isn’t legal in Korea, so I can’t ask you to marry me, and anyway we still need to get to know each other again, but will you accept this promise ring? Will you accept this sign of my commitment to you for the rest of our lives? Can I make you happy for the rest of our lives? Now that you're back in my life, I don't plan on ever letting go.” 

Taeyong is crying. “Yes, yes, a million times yes. In the end it's you, Doyoung-ie.” 

Doyoung cradles Taeyong’s hand in his and gives it a kiss. He then slides the ring on Taeyong’s finger. It’s a perfect fit.

Engraved inside the ring are the words, “I’ll search the universe.”

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, in my headcanon Doyoung is a big romantic who had this proposal all planned out for whenever the appropriate occasion would arise. Not included in this piece but in my original headcanon is that Doyoung eventually retires from his balladeer/actor career to become a manager. Sometime after same-sex marriage is legalized, and they marry surrounded by friends and family.
> 
> In case anyone is curious, some snippets of the Bangkok fanmeeting [here](https://habemusfandom.tumblr.com/post/169441460823/dotae-170909-nct-bangkok-fanmeeting).
> 
> Get well soon Taeyong, and for those who celebrate, merry Christmas!
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed! Comments and kudos are very much appreciated :)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/4xaroundthesun)


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